1. You'll sing one round of Twinkle Twinkle / alternative nursery rhyme and it stops your aaangry baby crying. So you sing that same song 93 times an hour for the next six months.
2. Every health visitor, midwife, and the GP at your six-week check, will talk at length about the need to use contraception. You will laugh in their faces because you never want anything in that vicinity, ever again. (You will change your mind, just in time to have another one.)
3. In the way that you used to dream about five-star holidays, huge shopping sprees, boozy nights out, you'll now fantasise about one thing alone: crisp sheets, soft duvet, plump pillows, and 12 hours' uninterrupted sleep.. (Or four. That would do, at the start).
4. Your baby will start life with a fistful beautiful pairs of tiny, cute socks. By the time he or she is a week old, they'll own a bunch of single socks. The lost ones will turn up in duvets for the next 326 years.
5. Your baby will have a gazillion cute outfits - presents, or amazing things you bought them whilst pregnant. And you will just want them to wear £3 babygrows all the time because they're SO much easier for nappy-changes.
6. Then you'll go through a phase where you love dressing your tiny baby in cute little 'grown up' clothes - jeans, dresses, rompers, soft shoes. But as they grow bigger you'll suddenly be putting them in babygrows all the time again because you're scared at how quickly they're growing up.
7. You will see a child doing a single sneeze on the other side of the park, and feel cold terror that they will pass on a COLD to your baby and RUIN his totally-well-established sleep regime (five hours straight for two nights in a row). You will leave the park immediately.
8. On the first night your baby sleeps in the evening in a separate room, you'll watch the baby monitor more avidly than you've ever watched The Killing / Kardashians / any TV programme, ever.
9. You spent hours of pregnancy worrying about how you'll get over your embarrassment about feeding in public to ever leave the house. Then you gave birth, and discretely whipping your baps out anywhere to feed your tiny human doesn't seem like a big deal at all.