run out of womb

... learning how to be a mum from scratch

Tuesday, 22 August 2017

The 11 Definitive Steps to a Perfect Sleeping Baby

After canvassing much advice and as mama of two, this is the carefully-honed, definitive guide to how to get a baby to sleep, eat and thrive. Follow these 11 steps, and you will be the perfect parent*.

1. To a newborn, the world is a big, scary place, so it's best to rock them gently to sleep in your arms in the early days. If, however, your baby was born on a day with 'y' in, you'll need to worry about over-attachment and your kid not sleeping solo until they're at uni, so never rock a baby to sleep.

2. If napping is tricky to establish, simply place baby in a sling, pram, rocking chair or car seat (and take them for a drive) for the duration of the nap (usually 1-3 hours). Remember though to never stop or even consider sitting
down, as baby will pick up on your thoughts and negativity. Also be aware that helping a baby to nap by holding or transporting them is the equivalent of mollycoddling, and they should be left to cry themselves to sleep. Also, babies shouldn't be left in car seats, slings, or rocking chairs for longer than 31 minutes, or they could turn into dinosaurs.

3. For breastfed babies, a great way to get a baby to sleep is by letting them fall asleep on the breast - and remember, you can never overfeed a breastfed baby. A baby who is fed to sleep, however, will never be independent and will turn into that Little Britain 'bitty'-loving character demanding milk feeds during their lecture breaks at uni. And, if your breastfed babe is sicky/refluxy, you're probably overfeeding them.

4. Swaddling is the best way to get a newborn to sleep. Remember, though, that sleep experts warn swaddling is an evil practice that could stop your baby ever learning to walk.

5. Ensure your baby has lots of fresh air, and that the air is 18
degrees C. Never use artificial heaters or air conditioning units as this could lead to asthma/house fires /colds. Also, do not consider taking your baby on an airplane to pursue 18 degree-weather, as Abroad is not safe for babies under 2, even if babies are very frequently born and living in that Abroad place.

5. If you're breastfeeding, express a bottle every so often so your baby learns how to suck from a bottle and you can get some much-needed sleep. Remember, though, that expressing ruins your body's natural milk supply and can lead to your breasts turning into Katie Price's. Or pancakes.

6. If you're formula-feeding, remember the mum should exclusively hold the bottle otherwise the baby will never bond / love you. Also, it's important to let other people feed the baby so it doesn't become over-reliant on you.

7. Sleep begets sleep, and so-called 'over-napping' is just a baby going through a growth spurt. But don't let your baby sleep too much in the day, or they won't sleep through the night..

8. Carefully follow a Gina Ford-esque routine because then your baby will be sleeping better than you by the time it's three days' old. Remember, though, that you're the boss, maternity leave is also your time, and a grouchy, house-bound mum slave to a baby's routine will emit negative vibes that will cause the whole household to sleep badly and be miserable forever, so don't become slave to a baby routine.

9. Ensure your baby gets used to being held by others so their
easygoing diplomacy means they will one day be a Nobel Peace prize-winner. But don't allow your baby to be passed around like a parcel to friends and family or they'll face a huge risk of Germs.

10. Feed your baby on demand through the night; they know their own needs. This is true until they become five months, and three days, old - the famous age of emotional maturity. From that day on, a baby who seems peckish in the night is actually a demanding so-and-so trying to keep you awake for no reason. So this is when to begin letting them cry it out (but be aware this could cause emotional stunting / your child to never be in a meaningful relationship.) Also, you will always be too exhausted to start sleep training. Maybe tomorrow.

11. NEVER worry about your newborn's sleeping / eating / routine - babies can pick up on any concerns that you're stewing over, and become anxious. Anyway, you can always find some sensible, non-contradictory, non-emotive advice online that will help....

* This doesn't exist. Sorry..

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