* Guest post from Giles - first-time dad, PR supremo and creator of London dad blog YOU THE DADDY) *
Even at just five months' old, our little boy Teddy loves the classic nursery rhymes and vintage lullabies of yesteryear. But - if you're anything like me - remembering the words to said nursery rhymes (and definitely anything more advanced than the first verse), is a feat well beyond the new parent skillset.
So, to ensure our new babe still gets the benefit of these dulcet tunes, even when his baby-brained dad can't recall the actual words, I've come up with a simple solution. Engaging my mad riffing skills (Vanilla Ice, watch your back), while avoiding the temptation to just read the lyrics verbatim from my phone, I've taken instead to making them up.
Of all the classic, difficult-to-remember nursery rhymes, I find 'Hush little baby' to be the easiest to bastardise, thanks to its slow ambling melody and simple rhyming structure...
For the record, while I'm clearly not going to win any underground rap battles any time soon, you can't fault a dad for trying...
DISCLAIMER: To be sung in your sweetest, most nurturing voice. May cause minor emotional scarring.
Hush little baby (the forgetful dad edit)
Hush little baby don't say a word,
Papa's gonna buy you a mockingbird.
But if that mockingbird won't flap,
Papa's gonna buy you a bacon bap.
And if that porky bap gets eat,
Papa's gonna buy you some sausage meat.
But if that that ground up meat does smell,
Papa's gonna buy you a wishing well.
And if that well should get too full,
Papa's gonna buy you a horny bull.
But if that lame old bull won't breed,
Papa's gonna buy you a bag of seed.
And if those random seeds won't grow,
Papa's gonna buy you a purple bow.
But if that girly bow looks weird,
Papa's gonna buy you a ginger beard.
[I could go on for hours...]
And if that itchy beard won't fit,
Papa's gonna buy you a bag of grit.
But if that naughty grit gets wet,
Papa's gonna make you a crêpe Suzette.
And if those pancakes get too cold,
Papa's gonna buy you a tooth of gold.
And if that golden tooth won't shine,
Papa's gonna buy you a box of wine.
But if that 'grown up juice' gets drunk,
Papa's gonna buy you an 80's punk.
And if that stroppy punk gets cross,
Papa's gonna buy you some dental floss.
But if I buy you all this tat,
Papa's gonna make you a spoilt brat.
And if you think these words sound wrong,
Mum can come and sing you a different song...
And if that, ladies and gentlemen, doesn't send your little one off into a state of blissful sleep (or at the very least, scares them into quiet submission), I don't know what will...