11 hilarious tweets that reveal what it's REALLY like to parent a toddler

Screw those perfect Insta-shots. This is reality, toddler parents-to-be. Get ready.... 

1) When you lick just to check and...  

(via @squamishbaby)

2) When your phone's memory is suddenly full and you're sure you didn't take 34,000 photos overnight, and then you check your camera roll....

(via @lacey_caseyy)

3) When blindly inserting a hand into any cavity in your home is actually kinda dangerous...

 (via @marketingelise)

Encarta 95.. and other childhood joys my baby will never know

Ever since Louis Armstrong's What A Wonderful World came on the car radio and stopped my baby's roar in its tracks, I've had it on a lot. And one of the lyrics sticks in my mind: "I hear babies cry, and I watched them grow / They'll learn much more than I'll ever know."

It's true in lots of ways - but I started thinking of all the things Noughties-born babies will also miss out. Not just the way that 'gaming' meant breaking out Dreamphone (best game ever), but...

* The fact that researching homework used to involve looking up the thing in the index book of this set...

before you had to then find the one-of-20 books it directed you to, before eventually learning what you needed. When things got really high-tech, remember when you could 'quickly' insert this CD Rom to do the same...?

                                                         

I fuddy-duddy-ly feel sure that the resultant knowledge stuck longer than when homework questions nowadays are solved with a quick Google.


* Next piece of nostalgia? That my baby will never know the crazed excitement of taking your film canister (with 24 photos... 48 if you REALLY splurged) of holiday photos into Boots. Then waiting a week (again, 24 hours if you really splashed out) for access to the snaps of you and that boy/that pool/that ice cream.. Then lovingly sticking them in photo albums rather than carrying out 1,452 pics of our toes in some sand from four days in Ibiza via the phone in our back pocket.

        

* And my baby won't have the joy of a 10p Freddo or 1p cola bottle... Or a 10p pack of (disgusting) Space Invaders or almost-as-cheap Panda pop. Poor Freddo will probably cost £10 when today's babes are old enough to get pocket money.

                                                     

* Now, the age that my baby will end up getting his first mobile (phone, he's already got a cot-dangler) frankly scares me. But I'll also be sad that he'll never know the random pleasure of knowing a friend is a special one because you've called them so much that you've memorised their phone number. The future death of the landline means my baby will probably never have the joy of endlessly bugging his best buddy's parents ("Hi. It's me again. Is XX there again? I forgot to say something when I hung up, just now.")

* And my baby will never watch a film until its tape is scratchy - not just because that video tape won't exist, but because the future version of Netflix will mean he can access so many films that they'll be no need to watch Cool Runnings 16 times one summer holiday, as I once did definitely didn't do. 

* My baby probably also won't know the rigidity of arranging to meet a friend somewhere, and actually turning up in that place, bang on time, because he will probably always have a phone to send a text, or some future method of instant communication, saying, 'Running late, sorry...'

"Helpful advice" from grandparents

When you were pregnant, you imagined long chats with your mum about being a parent, reminiscing and comparing her own sweet baby memories of you with your lovely experiences now... 

But now the baby is here, there are also other conversations. More heated ones. Ones where you wonder how you're even related to someone WHO'S SUGGESTING GIVING YOUR NEWBORN JUICE 'so they sleep better'. And these are some of those 'debates'.. in social media form.

The 'crying' issue

The 'your baby is cold' issue...

The 'your baby still isn't trained?' issue

The 'car seat' issue

The 'next one' issue

The routine issue

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Why the f*** haven't they invented that?

Scariest dummy ever? Pic: CloudFreebies.co.uk

Dig not-very-deep into the baby industry and you discover items such as the wet wipe-warmer, and the baby wig. Yes, seriously. Add together the value of the whole cot, nappy and Bumbo-flogging industry and it's worth a frankly astonishing $45 billion. So this is what mums of the world are wondering: why the f*** haven't they invented...

 * A mechanised, life-like arm to pat and reassure baby and allow parents to sleep for two consecutive hours. Who cares if your 18-year-old ends up packing said arm up when they head off to uni?

* An early-warning nappy alarm giving 10 mins' notice for serious poonami action. And changes colour due to the severity of the contents: Red Alert: !!!!; Amber: it's-not-pleasant, open-with-caution; Green: this-one-is-a-breeze...

* A rocking treadmill to walk babies to sleep

 * A catching net for the high-chair. 'Just you try and drop that broccoli on the floor again..'

 * A dummy-replacing robot. "I have had semi-serious conversations about training the cat to gently push it back in at the first sign it is coming out..!"

 * Shoes and gloves that safely clip babies' nails, which grow 100m faster than Usain Bolt can run it.

* A real time camera to sit on the buggy handle "so I can see what the hell my baby is putting into her mouth".

* A robot to walk and rock your colicky baby during the witching hours.

* A translating helmet so when the babe is crying and you have absolutely no clue WTF is wrong, it tells you on the little LCD screen: 'sad - hungry', 'pain - tummy ache', or 'angry - mummy put boobs away'.

* A self-wiping high chair..

* A remote control for zapping tantrums and turning crazy babies calm during shopping trips 

* "A clone of me to sit by the cot until she falls asleep every night"

* A 24-hour nappy that never leaks. Or causes rashes.

* A sound-proof pod.. for mother or baby, depending on the situation...

* A time machine "so you can fast-forward through annoying phases and then also go back in time when you realise your LO has grown up too quickly."

* A snooze button for the baby...

* Baby-friendly sleeping tablets...

* Something that attaches to the pram's handlebar to rock it - so when in a cafe scenario you can use both a knife AND fork.

The worst parenting advice... that you won't be able to avoid

Here's a fact: from the first time you step onto the Tube wearing a 'Baby on Board' sign, strangers believe you are the Leading News Story of the Day: that is, something to judge, discuss, interrogate, and rebuke.

Where previously you will have been able to walk down a street and exchange nothing more than a nod with a passer-by or two, now, as a parent, you are public property. The lady sitting next to me on a bus last week decided to 'advise' me that my five-month-old baby shouldn't be on public transport because "it's not safe". When I politely suggested that, as his mother, it was my decision, she responded, 'I pay for the public services you'll need if he catches something on-board so it's mine too.' 

Luckily, my stop came up before I could chuck a cold bottle of water in her face.

Here, after crowdsourcing on Facebook, parents of babies and children reveal the unwanted advice that strangers (and mothers-in-laws) just can't help offering... 

"My health visitor told me, 'you're too middle class' when I told her that I was doing baby-led weaning and my child had eaten pepper sticks and avocado that day.. She told me to give him vanilla ice cream instead... No thanks!"

"'If you keep your (8-month-old) baby in that forward-facing buggy, she will look at the sun and go blind'. Thanks mad old bat waiting to cross the road, I'll go home and buy another buggy immediately."

"When I was six-months pregnant with my first baby, I was talking to my mother-in-law about the things I had bought for the baby, and that I didn't want the cot to be built yet as I was supersticious. She said, 'well if anything bad happens you can then sell it on eBay!"

"My son was born at 13.13, and had extra digits on each hand too.."Ooh" exclaimed the midwife, "Are you sure you don't want to call him Damien!"

"I was in a GP's waiting room on a sweltering-hot day. My six-week old baby was wearing a sleeveless vest top; he was crying, as he did constantly for the first three months, when the lady next to me said, "maybe he's hot". I replied 'of course he's hot, we all are. Short of stripping him naked I can't do anything more to cool him down in here..."

"A relative said to me as I fed my six-month-year-old: 'don't you think you should give up breast feeding now he is weaning as you're going to get all saggy?" Umm - thanks and f**k off."

"'You need to go on a parenting course' - my health visitor told me on watching my two-year-old son. It turned out he had autism."

"When my baby was six days old, the health visitor came. 'Your baby is hungry, he is rooting,' she said. Then, 'He is still hungry, he is rooting..' Then, 'Goodness you have a hungry one he is rooting again ....' (She stayed for an hour). Feeling under pressure, I fed him each time. As she put her shoes on to leave, my newborn threw up everywhere ....with a stomach the size of a marble she made me feed him until he nearly drowned!'

"Before I started weaning my baby, my mother-in-law kept asking, 'can't I just let him taste some chocolate cake icing from my finger?' No, no you can't!"

"Cover your upper body up with a sweater or shawl when you're breast feeding, in case your milk gets cold," I was told. "And don't eat ice cream while breast feeding as the baby will catch a cold. And, don't drink anything fizzy as that will give baby gas..."

"A stranger saw me making up a bottle and said, 'it's better to give your baby breastmilk with alcohol in it than formula.' I just responded, 'Yeah cool, I'm just gonna make up a bottle now, see you later!'"

"I had post-natal depression after my boy was born. He was in intensive care for five days after birth and tube fed. Then he developed reflux and was generally a difficult baby. At nine weeks he hadn't smiled and the health visitor said, 'well he hasn't got much to smile about'.. That comment caused me months of trauma."

"You're delaying his brain development by continuing to feed him yourself" - my health-visitor when my son was three-months old.

"I've been staying with family the last few days, and my four-week old was uncomfortable. Turns out he had trapped wind, so I rubbed his tummy and he did a massive poop. But this is what the family suggested was the cause in the meantime: 'baby got trapped wind cause you've been eating lentils, peas, and sweetcorn'. 'Don't eat too quick.' 'Don't eat bananas'. Don't wash dishes and if you must use gloves. Hands in water will give baby a cold.' My ears started to bleed listening to so much crap!"

"A stranger asked me if my baby was still breathing in the sling .... I felt like saying, no, I bring her up for air every 30 seconds.."

"When my daughter was about two-and-a-half and started to exhibit, shall we say, 'challenging behaviour, my step dad asked in all seriousness "so when do you start the hitting?" As if this was a natural step to take.."

"'Sleep when they sleep,' everyone says to me, all the time. What. If. They. Never. Sleep?"

"I don't think you should take your baby daughter swimming, I'm a retired midwife and in my day that's how people caught polio."

Nine true facts about parenting

1. You'll sing one round of Twinkle Twinkle / alternative nursery rhyme and it stops your aaangry baby crying. So you sing that same song 93 times an hour for the next six months.

2. Every health visitor, midwife, and the GP at your six-week check, will talk at length about the need to use contraception. You will laugh in their faces because you never want anything in that vicinity, ever again. (You will change your mind, just in time to have another one.)

3. In the way that you used to dream about five-star holidays, huge shopping sprees, boozy nights out, you'll now fantasise about one thing alone: crisp sheets, soft duvet, plump pillows, and 12 hours' uninterrupted sleep.. (Or four. That would do, at the start).

4. Your baby will start life with a fistful beautiful pairs of tiny, cute socks. By the time he or she is a week old, they'll own a bunch of single socks. The lost ones will turn up in duvets for the next 326 years.

5. Your baby will have a gazillion cute outfits - presents, or amazing things you bought them whilst pregnant. And you will just want them to wear £3 babygrows all the time because they're SO much easier for nappy-changes.

6. Then you'll go through a phase where you love dressing your tiny baby in cute little 'grown up' clothes - jeans, dresses, rompers, soft shoes. But as they grow bigger you'll suddenly be putting them in babygrows all the time again because you're scared at how quickly they're growing up.

7. You will see a child doing a single sneeze on the other side of the park, and feel cold terror that they will pass on a COLD to your baby and RUIN his totally-well-established sleep regime (five hours straight for two nights in a row). You will leave the park immediately.

8. On the first night your baby sleeps in the evening in a separate room, you'll watch the baby monitor more avidly than you've ever watched The Killing / Kardashians / any TV programme, ever.

9. You spent hours of pregnancy worrying about how you'll get over your embarrassment about feeding in public to ever leave the house. Then you gave birth, and discretely whipping your baps out anywhere to feed your tiny human doesn't seem like a big deal at all.

baby lifehacks

A baby? A mop? Or both.. pic credit: Firebox

You might get nine months to prepare for becoming a parent, but that doesn't stop it all feeling like a bit of a shock when you've got a tiny, vulnerable baby to look after. So these genius baby hacks - crowdsurfed from experienced parents - could save you time, money and sanity...

Pic source: tiarasandprozac.co.uk

1. Avoid poonami disasters
Those random 'envelope' folds on baby vests and growers aren't for accommodating huge heads: they let you pull the outfit down over a baby's chest and off their legs if they have a poo-nami - so the poop doesn't touch their head.

2. Limit the nappy damage
Place a clean nappy open under the baby's dirty nappy. Change, wipe then place the clean bum on new nappy. During winter, placing a few wipes on the radiator can make night-changes a little quieter..

Pic source: anwjohnston.blogspot.co.uk

3. Help teething traumas
Freeze the teat of a dummy in an ice cube tray filled with milk (breast or formula) or cooled, boiled water to cool painful gums. (Advised for babies aged six months-plus)

Pic source: Pinterest

4. Never be without a bib
Attach a sticky hook to the back of a high chair to hang a few bibs so you never forget one.

5. Save the outfit... 
Feed your baby in a nappy, and put newspaper or a towel under the high-chair. 

6. Brainy breastfeeding 
Put something on your wrist or bra strap to remind you which boob to start on next feed!

Pic source: socreativethings.com

7. Avoid finger trauma
Slice a pool noodle in half, and slide onto the edge of a door to prevent trapped fingers.

8. Keep the car clean 
Put cupcake liners in the cupholders so you can whisk away all those crumbs/bogeys/rubbish rather than let it get stuck in the nooks and crannies

9. Potty-training hack: stop them using up all the loo roll by doing this... ---->

Pic source: amandathevirtuouswife.com

10. Never forget your baby monitor.
Download an app like this one - live video, and uses white noise or even your voice to soothe the babe.

11. Sleep soundly 
Don't do all the poppers up on your baby's vest during the night - it gives the nappy more room to expand.

Pic source: lifehacker.com

12. Never run out of wardrobe space: attach the ring-pull of a drink can to a hanger and then hook another one through it to double the space.

13. Avoid wet night disasters
Layer your baby's bedding - so sheet, mattress protector, sheet, mattress protector - make a late-night bedding change far easier.

14. Muslin hack. 
Put them everywhere. In their carrycot, on their activity gym, on the sofa - then any sick/wee/poop means you just have to wash a muslin, not a whole set of furniture.

15. Stop chucking stained clothes
For berry stains on clothes, boil the kettle and pour the water over the clothes before washing - magically disappears! To get pasta sauce or ketchup out of clothes, scrap excess off (even if dry) with a knife and then run cold water through the stain (from the inside) then use washing liquid rub into stain! Simply vanishes! Then wash as normal.


16. Bathing hack: when your babe outgrows a baby bath, use a dam rather than filling up a huge bath with water. Or pop them in a washing basket to keep them still.

17. Hot car hack
 When it's boiling hot, keep a spray bottle in the car to cool the metal bits on the car seat to prevent them from burning baby legs.

18. For tummy-time haters
Recline on your back with baby lying on you, tummy to tummy. It's the same thing but it works for those who just cry when placed on a mat in the same position.

19. Messy face magic
 To clean up after eating, use a wet muslin. Wipe her face, then her hands then the high chair then the table. So everything is wiped with one cloth which then gets washed. Easy and avoids using loads of baby wipes!

Best presents to buy a newborn (and their parents)

Google 'best newborn present' and you'll be hit with a whole load of photos of 'baby gift sets' (vest, teddy, silver rattle if you've gone upmarket, plastic one otherwise). 

Or maybe you'll stroll into BabyGap and snap up a super-cute babygrow; and the new parents might love it - or might have three the same. Or maybe you'll think ahead and buy an age 18m snow suit .. but they live in a tiny flat with no storage space. Or  it won't actually be winter when their babe hits the age range... etc. 

It sounds ungrateful for any new parent to complain about presents - but if you want your gift to wow, here's advice from a host of new parents. 

Their top tips? Gift receipts are useful - parents might want to change the items for a bigger or smaller size, or receive duplicates. Going for luxury versions of everyday goods - which parents couldn't justify but are lovely to use - is a great idea. And personalised gifts are brilliant - they add a dose of nostalgia to everyday items and older kids love them on something like a toy box that lasts longer. I've found the best site around for these to be My1stYears.

For other present ideas, don't forget the gift of time: one brilliant friend organised a 'meal train' - a schedule for the first two weeks' of tiny man's life where family and friends signed up to bring us dinner each night. Amazing - and tech makes it easy to sort out.

If you're struggling for inspiration and want to buy a stand-out memorable present or something really useful for new parents, here are some other great ideas. The best thing about them? They're all provided by current parents-of-babies, who share their best gifts (or the ones they wish they'd received). So... happy shopping! 

Practical parental ideas

"A week by week guide book for new parents (such as "Your Baby Week by Week" or "The Wonder Weeks") is great - they can read it ahead of each week. It's been invaluable to us as it's contextualised our little one's behaviour."

"A little present I really appreciated was the Milestone cards - you can capture your baby, the milestone and the date in one image."

"I loved receiving luxury items I wouldn't necessarily have shelled out on - like Aden & Anais' comfort muslin."

"A Beaba for weaning, a sheepskin mat/rug... and a handheld vacuum cleaner..."

"I loved Sock Ons for a non-summer baby - keeps you from losing all their tiny socks."

"My most useful were a Morrck blanket, toys for when slightly older (stacking cups etc), and bowls, spoons, plates for weaning. Remind people to consider season changes when buying slightly bigger clothes- I received lots of summer outfits age 3-6 months when it will be oct-dec!"

"Gro bags and pyjamas for 9-12 and 12-18 month (i.e. anything you use over and over again)."

Personalised goodies

"A gorgeous fluffy, hooded bath towel from The White Company was my fave."

"The personalised blankets, shawl and teddy we received from My1stYears are so cute.... but be aware that they then can't be reused for future kids."

"A hand painted personalised wall plaque, and a hand-knitted baby blanket."

Thoughtful gifts

"My favourite was vouchers to get my newborn's hand & footprints made."

"The best thing that anyone did for me after both children was bring over home cooked, healthy meals for the freezer. I found it considerably more useful than another Jellycat rabbit... (Not to sound ungrateful, the rabbits are great!)"

"We were in hospital for a long time following our baby's birth, so it was really touching when people sent fruit and cakes etc to the ward (for us and the neonatal staff)."

"Cook" frozen ready meals - they were amazing!!

"The friends who turned up wearing ropey clothes, carrying Cif and just cleaned our house for us to the backdrop of our dropped jaws!"

"Parents' night in pack - DVD, takeaway vouchers, chocolate, wine..."

"My friends clubbed together to buy us a family and newborn photoshoot - such beautiful shots, they're framed all over our house."

"A baby tree to grow alongside the tiny baby."

The presents mums remember best...

"My sister-in-law got us a weekly chunk of cake delivered in the post for the first three months. It was amazing and just what we needed."

"We received a silver piggy bank, such a lovely prezzie!"

"A box of newborn and baby medicines."

"The best present ever was a Tuppence & Crumble star wrap. Used it pretty much everyday for 9 months."

"Books. The nice thing about having others getting us books was that their choices were very different from what we (would have) bought. And many of those given books turned out to be a favourite of our son! Also I find it such a nice touch to give a book in this day and age where everything is a screen and electronic."

"I was given some expensive essential bath oils. When I finally managed to have a long soak in the bath (rather than a 2 second shower in between feeds) this was totally relaxing and luxurious."

"Cuddle dry apron towel... still using it five years on, mainly to keep me dry when they're splashing!!"

"A fold away play mat for when you're out and about - super useful."

"The presents I loved/appreciated the most were given before I had the baby - Tena pants,breast pads,nipple balm,snuffle babe,Kirkland wipes,Milton wipes,Infacol,moisturising antibac hand wash,hand cream - all the essentials."

"My sister gave me babysitting vouchers."

"Clothes from anywhere with a very relaxed exchange/refund policy - changed about 15 presents from Next for different sizes so that I had a good range of clothes to last her whole first year with very few receipts and no trouble! Good old Next.."

"I most appreciated it when friends or family clubbed together to buy things that are essential and more expensive - like the car seat. Teddies were a big no no for me! Just haven't got a purpose for 20+ teddies!"

But one mother responded: "I used to think that about all the teddies my little one received, but now she is one she loves them all and likes to pick a different one each night to take to bed. It's really cute how she cuddles and kisses them. They will serve a purpose one day!"

"Something nice for the mum who may well be in need a pick-me-up - chocolate, toasty bed socks, new hoodie, bottle of gin..."

"The baby had everything we needed for her anyway - so I loved the engraved ring I got from my parents and the wine my friend bought for me (even if it took me a year to actually drink it!"

"A piece of rain forest."

"My best present is coming tomorrow: my night nurse."

"Someone bought a Starbucks gift card as she said I'd be spending lots of time there."

"The things that still stand out 11 months later are: a really nice framed pic from notonthehighstreet with baby's date of birth, place of birth, number 1 song, price of a stamp, PM etc that we love, also a Sophie the giraffe toy that I had never heard of and is the best thing we've used for teething (even if it does sound like a dog toy), and clothes/sleeping bags in bigger sizes so we ended up not having to buy much as he grew."

"A friend dropped in with a home cooked lasagne and a cake, stayed 20 mins to coo at the baby and declined a cup of tea. Excellent present. Better than any number of pink babygros!"

"I would have preferred it if everyone who kindly bought us gifts had just donated money to a children's charity."

"We had a nursery list at John Lewis which made it so much easier."

Guest post: Why changing bags are a waste of money

Mum-blogger Emma Ross talks bags and babies:

I ummed and ahh-ed about choosing a baby changing bag for ages. I think it was because it was my first opportunity to add some of “me” into motherhood.. But everything I saw in the shops was either covered in cupcakes or polka dots or plain and "trendy" to a degree that it looked like something my hipster friends would take to work. 

On top of these so extremely important stylistic issues, I suffer from back pain which isn't ideal for lugging copious amounts around with me (read: everything you need to keep a baby alive). Moreover, I don’t even own a traditional handbag so there was little chance that as I embarked on motherhood that I would suddenly embrace normal female bag habits. The situation was calling for one thing and one thing only: a rucksack.

Why men get to wear rucksacks when women blatantly have a tonne more to carry around has always baffled me. And with motherhood looming, I decided to full on embrace geek motherhood. In the end I went for an Eastpak Aztec rucksack, which I absolutely love - and my son Jack is now one and a bit. It sits firmly on my back, is big enough to hold everything I need for him, plus a few of my own essentials, and I think it's pretty funky too. 

If someone could just invent a rucksack with compartments, I'd be sorted as my lipsticks have ended up stuck in the creases of Jack's nappies a fair few times.. 

So if any pregnant ladies are reading this, embrace comfort and space, with a bit of chaos - eschew the stereotypical changing bag and get yourself a backpack.

Read and watch more from Emma at 

youtube.com/mamalina

twitter.com/mamalinauk

instagram.com/mamalinauk

What I Wish I'd Known - Feeding the Baby

When 200 mums responded to my question 'What's the one thing you wish you'd known before becoming a parent?' on Facebook, by FAR the most common response was about feeding their baby. Breastfeeding, formula feeding, or struggles with either can be one of the most stressful parts of newborn life.. especially since many pregnant women are led to believe it's straightforward. 

Personally the thing I wish I'd known is that the maxim that if breastfeeding hurts, you're doing it wrong is... wrong. Newborns might be little but they come out all set to win an Olympic gold in suction - and nipples are sensitive things that probably haven't had much rough treatment in their pre-baby life. So even though I was breastfeeding effectively and my tiny man was thriving off the milk, in those early days the first latch was toe-curlingly ouch-y for a few seconds. I'd actually do labour-style breathing to get through it. And when I had a shower and the (soft) towel brushed those boobs... OW. 

But after a few weeks, it eased up. I was really impressed by the range of breastfeeding support out there - NCT helpline, health visitors, expert breastfeeding counselors at local children's centres - use them! One helped me improve a dodgy latch that made me feel much more comfortable and my baby happier.

Equally, breastfeeding doesn't always work out - don't over-stress if so. This is the collective wisdom and advice of new parents on feeding babies:

I WISH I'D KNOWN...

"That breastfeeding doesn't make you a good mother. Feeding your child in the best way for you does. A happy mummy is way more important for your baby than breast milk is."

"How agonizingly painful breastfeeding would be at first - and, how once I got over the pain (3 months down the line), how comforting and enjoyable it could be."

"I wish someone had told me about newborns cluster feeding - that it may happen, that there's no point in fighting it and you may as well just watch lots of TV. Don't feed in bed, in the dark, with a sleeping other half next to you, and don't try to put the baby back in their Moses basket every two minutes! No point."

"Not to feel guilty if you had a Caesarean or can't breastfeed. As long as your baby is healthy & being fed suitable milk, then that's fine. My now-11 year old is proof these two things don't matter."

"About the after pains (uterus contracting) that you get whilst breastfeeding in the early days. They can be horrendous and you will feel very emotional on about day 3." (I agree - felt like bad period pains, but I told myself it was helping to get my body back to normal.)

"That breastfeeding isn't easy and requires perseverance in the early days but it's rewarding once established."

"That I'd learnt how to milk myself (ie extract the colostrum from the nipple) - it's so useful in cases where baby doesn't latch on - you can bottle the goodness. Hospitals offer classes on how to do it."

"How much time I would spend feeding the baby in the first 3 months.."

"One thing I wish I'd learnt beforehand was how to make up a bottle! I never realised that sometimes breast feeding doesn't work out! Breastfeeding is a huge sacrifice and commitment of your time. Everyone does things differently, there is no right and wrong just do what makes you feel comfortable and happy. I remember being discharged from hospital and the midwife asking if I had any questions before I went home and I said "oh you haven't told me how to make up a bottle" (as they just have you the ready made ones) and she just laughed at me! I had to call a friend over as soon as I got home to show me!"

"My top breastfeeding, especially in summer, is to have large bottles of water and a glass in all the places you might feed!" I agree - and used bottles with sports caps that are easy to open one handed. Also, have a muslin to hand for inevitable post-meal sick..

"I wish I'd known that if your child has not passed urine give them a bottle to see if he/she is not dehydrated. NHS staff is so hell bent on breastfeeding they will not advise you of a formula top up even when it's evidently in the best interest of your child."

"Put a muslin between you and the baby when breastfeeding in the height of the summer or u will end up having to peel your baby off your skin!!"

"There is plenty to prepare you for labour if you want it and you expect pain but NOBODY tells you how hard breastfeeding is initially. I wasn't prepared for the searing toe curling pain when baby first latches and then the contractions during a feed. I wasn't prepared for the super pain that comes with engorgement and blocked ducts and the tears that followed when having to feed baby."

"Get a dual breast pump with a bra that attaches so that your hands are free." 

"If you plan to bottle feed at any point buy a Perfect prep machine- the best bit of kit we owned."

"if you want to bottle feed (expressed milk or formula) introduce the bottle earlier rather than later. Parents who introduce a bottle around 4 or 5 weeks seem to do well. Parents who wait until their baby is 3 months old often struggle to get their baby to accept it."

"Whilst in hospital, ask advice on different positions to breast feed (you may be sore after birth & not want sit upright/baby might not latch on in the "usual" position). If you wish to breastfeed and the baby is not latching on and one - or even two - midwives are spectacularly unhelpful (as happened to me) don't be afraid to keep asking for help but with different midwives. It took three different midwives before one actually helped and actually suggested skin to skin contact and not just simply force baby onto my breast!"