Why the f*** haven't they invented that?

Scariest dummy ever? Pic: CloudFreebies.co.uk

Dig not-very-deep into the baby industry and you discover items such as the wet wipe-warmer, and the baby wig. Yes, seriously. Add together the value of the whole cot, nappy and Bumbo-flogging industry and it's worth a frankly astonishing $45 billion. So this is what mums of the world are wondering: why the f*** haven't they invented...

 * A mechanised, life-like arm to pat and reassure baby and allow parents to sleep for two consecutive hours. Who cares if your 18-year-old ends up packing said arm up when they head off to uni?

* An early-warning nappy alarm giving 10 mins' notice for serious poonami action. And changes colour due to the severity of the contents: Red Alert: !!!!; Amber: it's-not-pleasant, open-with-caution; Green: this-one-is-a-breeze...

* A rocking treadmill to walk babies to sleep

 * A catching net for the high-chair. 'Just you try and drop that broccoli on the floor again..'

 * A dummy-replacing robot. "I have had semi-serious conversations about training the cat to gently push it back in at the first sign it is coming out..!"

 * Shoes and gloves that safely clip babies' nails, which grow 100m faster than Usain Bolt can run it.

* A real time camera to sit on the buggy handle "so I can see what the hell my baby is putting into her mouth".

* A robot to walk and rock your colicky baby during the witching hours.

* A translating helmet so when the babe is crying and you have absolutely no clue WTF is wrong, it tells you on the little LCD screen: 'sad - hungry', 'pain - tummy ache', or 'angry - mummy put boobs away'.

* A self-wiping high chair..

* A remote control for zapping tantrums and turning crazy babies calm during shopping trips 

* "A clone of me to sit by the cot until she falls asleep every night"

* A 24-hour nappy that never leaks. Or causes rashes.

* A sound-proof pod.. for mother or baby, depending on the situation...

* A time machine "so you can fast-forward through annoying phases and then also go back in time when you realise your LO has grown up too quickly."

* A snooze button for the baby...

* Baby-friendly sleeping tablets...

* Something that attaches to the pram's handlebar to rock it - so when in a cafe scenario you can use both a knife AND fork.