run out of womb

... learning how to be a mum from scratch

Friday 15 January 2016

Poonami parenting... because #shithappens

Sudocream: baby Cody reckons it's the best moisturiser around...
If you've ever followed an dazzling 'Instamum' or come across a humble-bragging baby blog or Twitter feed, you've probably felt mum-guilt about why your house isn't a whiter shade of Persil advert, why your average day isn't a gentle gurgle of giggles followed by an open-mouthed babe patiently waiting for your lovingly-homemade puree to slide on down (stain-lessly) - before said babe begs for their cot - where their eyes instantly slip shut for a 12-hour sleep.

Because for most of us, this Photoshopped, Instagram-filtered life seems absurd. When you've got a baby, #shithappens. Usually when you've just popped him/her in the car seat and are already running 30 minutes late. Sick happens. Usually when you've just put your best silk top on for a keep-in-touch work day and wanted to prove you have Totally Got It Together. Embarrassment happens. Usually when your toddler announces the person in the (broken-down?) line next to you is really old and ugly. 

Luckily some mums of Facebook are happy to confess the poonamis of parenting too. In a bid to help struggling parents realise they're not alone. To counter the perfection-parenting of social media. Or just to help us giggle through a particularly poopy day.

We all love our babies to infinity and beyond. But sometimes, when #shithappens all over your clothes, car, bag, and baby, it's nice to share... Here are parents' honest tales of baby days.

* "For a few weeks our son only pooed once a week (Friday morning, like clockwork). We were visiting my parents and my mother was holding him. She had put on his nappy just before but must not have closed it well enough - so when the poo happened, she was covered - with the most adorable, surprised expression on her face. A week's worth of poo is a significant amount.. Oh, and I might have to mention that my parents have a pristine white carpet.."

* "Turned my back for a sec, turn around again and see my baby has covered himself in Sudocream... Tasty!" (see pic above)

* "I had really bad piles following my first pregnancy, which of course nobody really talks about. My lovely brother decided to teach my two-year-old son to shout 'PILES' every time someone asked 'what's mummy got'. At the next family tea my brother decided to ask him really loudly what mummy's got and my son ran around the house shouting 'PILES PILES MUMMY'S GOT PILES'!! So embarrassing! 

Another time I was out with my husband's friends for lunch and I bent down to get some crayons my son had dropped. One of the guys said to my son 'what's mummy got' and you can guess what he shouted in response! 'Mummy's got piles' I've never been so embarrassed and just quickly changed the subject pretending that hasn't happened... Cringe!"

* "I just got in the car on way back from Kew Gardens, ready for the hour-long journey. I could see my baby in the back, getting really red-faced and clearly pooping. I immediately got out of the driving seat to change him because of the long journey back.. But by the time I reached his seat, it was clear I was too late. Poo everywhere. Including on my clothes as he flailed around as I tried to change him. Luckily I found some old shorts in the boot to change into, because my jeans got covered - and the only other option was sitting there in my knickers. Not ideal at all the traffic lights."

* "My son cried rape (instead of grape) right in the middle of the two-minute silence at his nursery school!!!!! That added to the shocked silence!!!!!! Wasn't quite the Remembrance Day they were planning."

* "I just found a poo under the sofa.."

* "On a packed tube at rush hour with my 2 year old, I was clearly standing to close to the emergency alarm as she managed to yank it and bring the train to a standstill! I wanted to die!"

* "The morning of the election results my son puked directly into my mouth. Formula tastes just how I knew it would ..."

* Waiting for our swimming lesson at the side of the pool today, I felt a warm trickle down my leg, my son was peeing what seemed like his body weight in fluid.. (Turns out I didn't place the bits correctly in the swim nappy and it managed to flow over and out). We both needed a shower and had to flag down the pool staff to clean up before we could start the lesson!"

* "This kinda speaks for itself..."  
It's just not what you want to find when you get your baby up from a nap... Stealth sleep-poo!," says Kate, above.
* "Was running a one-off training day while on maternity leave. Put in a massive effort not to look like a bedraggled mum. Got to the venue and realised I had snot streaks across the shoulders of my black cardigan so had to be cold all day. Plus I spent every break in the toilets expressing milk into a polystyrene cup so that my boobs wouldn't explode!"

* "Don't play "upside-down, rightway-up baby" with a freshly-fed baby.. My partner did - he was swiftly covered all over in vomit, although our son was laughing beautifully (one of his first real laughs.)"

* "My partner has taught my one-year-old princess to waft her hand in front of her nose and say "pooey" when she farts! Such a cute, dainty child!" 

* "I have been weed on many times but this time was more special! I was singing and cooing at my 10-week-old as he was lying down naked. I was really going for it, singing away, he was smiling and laughing and then of course he wee'd - right at the time my mouth was wide open..."

* "We were in Butlins, in the middle of the fairground, when my daughter exploded. She not only pooped on herself, but on me and her daddy too!! All we could do was laugh as we went off to clean her up.. But now our youngest pretty much explodes 2/3 times a day!"

* "I have a very embarrassing story - I just wanted to ground to swallow me up. My friend and I went shopping with our 18-month-old children, and went into a fancy lingerie shop. After five minutes the children were running around like crazy, when we noticed we had lost my friend's child. We were running around everywhere looking for him, then found him in a cubicle and sighed with relief. 
But at that moment the manager tapped me on the shoulder - I turned, and to my horror, saw my little girl in the middle of the all-white wedding department, with her tights round her ankles and poo on the floor, smiling at me! I just wanted to cry - and I've never cleaned up a mess so fast! I couldn't apologise enough, meanwhile the staff walked around madly spraying perfume. As I left, two ladies walked in saying 'it always smells so nice in here!' It's safe to say I have never been back in that shop.."

* "When my little boy was a baby, my husband was giving him a bath, chatting away to him, when all of a sudden he starting weeing.... directly into my husband's mouth."

* "When my little boy was a baby, I was changing a pooey nappy when he wriggled his legs free from my grip, stuck his foot in straight in the nappy then kicked me in the face. Nice.."

* "When at nursery, my baby boy was poking about his eye and the teacher asked if he was OK. He replied 'yeah, its just an eye bogey' to which she raised her eyebrows and replied 'most children call it sleepy dust'."

* "My little one cannot be trusted in public places, particularly in enclosed spaces such as lifts in shopping centres, where he has a habit of loudly commenting on fellow shoppers 'wow look at that lady, she's soooo OLD!' Once he stared for ages at an old lady in the queue in the post office before asking her what had happened to her teeth!"

* "My daughter had an exorcist moment, she woke up looking like the exorcist, her hair looked like the exorcist, she was wearing a gown like the exorcist, her puke was green like the exorcist and travelled all over... Well... Everywhere!!! You get the picture! I was waiting for her head to spin... "

* "I took grandparents to a friend's wedding up north to babysit the kids in the hotel because I was still breastfeeding the baby. I kept darting between the wedding and the hotel room to feed. It was only when I returned to my seat after I made a toast, that my hubby pointed out I had a very visible milk stain on my dress. I've also had to express in the toilets at weddings before, but shouting 'I might be here a while, you might want to find a different loo' is embarrassing, especially in unisex toilets."

* "The realistic parts of parenting.. I've been trying to teach my toddler to not run away in public places so we practice 'go, go, go, stop!' And he has to stop. Well I'm a believer of setting an example so if you see someone creeping around Brent Cross shopping centre, while a toddler shouts 'go' and then playing statues, it's me. I can also be found sitting on the pavement in the street waiting out a tantrum and singing off key everywhere."

* "I've been projectile pood on countless times whilst nappy changing - once at 3am, right in the face, when she was 6 days old and we were supposed to get up early that morning for her newborn photography shoot - where she then pood all over the photographer!"

* "The first 6 baths I had with my now 2 yr old boy, he shat in. Big time. I was covered. I had to shower!"

* "When my son was a newborn.. He projectile vomited into my new shoes which were at least 3 metres away! It is as like he was aiming for them!"


1 comment

  1. some really funny stuff here. I wish my kid would learn to wipe her own ass but I'm a little more appreciative of her potty training now


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